Hard to remember
The days blend together, so many tangles of memory and thought that I am hard pressed to distinguish them. I have myself halfway convinced that this is a fine way to be. That adulthood is about realizing adolescent dreams of happiness and contentedness in one's life are just that, dreams, and have no bearing on the real world. Last night I dreamed I was playing a video game that was more fun than any game I'd played before, and that game doesn't exist outside my own head. See. It's all the same. And I'm being melodramatic at a time when I have so much to be happy about.
A good friend told me yesterday that I'm earthy--connected with the land in ways I am loath to admit. Also that my sense of humor tends to the mildly coarse ... my great dream is to one day live deep in a forest where I can be surrounded by trees and plants and animals that I can subsist in harmony with ... um ... I'm learning to fish, hunt, trap, tell poisonous plants from nutritious, tasty animals from those not worth the struggle, tour the woods with a sharper eye for industry ... ahem. Means nothing. Right?
Regardless--there's snow outside, melting lackadaisically and smirking at me from the more shadowy regions of our yard. I hate to watch snow melt. All that cool white, so peaceful and insulating, disappearing back into the ground, which gets muddier and more sullen as the winter strays into spring. Ugh. I used to think I ought instead to spend my time living in a clime without seasons, but I never have gotten around to that. Maybe this mild depression is linked to seasonal change, maybe it's not. And somehow I think that if it isn't, and I've spent the time and effort to get to a new place, well--I'd feel like an idiot, and that is the one thing that is not allowed. Not that I don't feel like an idiot most of the time, and it gives me agonies. So there.
Not sure where the point has been buried, in this bit, but maybe the point is acorn-like, and a mighty oak shall henceforth spring, a hundred years from now. Or it might get run over by a lawn mower. Gosh, I'm cheery tonight.