Sometimes I wish life could be more like ICQ. Things would be so much simpler if I could announce my status to the world with a little green flower on my chest like an organic post-it note.

If I was feeling lonely, I could put up a Available sign. And if I was really gagging for company, I could put up the flower with the little smiley face on it, indicating that I'm ready and willing to chat with any Random person, flaunting my desperation to the world. Wouldn't that come in handy down at the pub? No more contemplating into your beer, "I wonder if she's got a boyfriend? Oh hang on! Look at that little yellow smiley face! She's up for it baby! YEAH!"

If I needed to nick off to the shops I could go into Away mode. I'm not home, sorry. Go away! And if the Jehovah's Witnesses were being really persistent, I could put up the more emphatic Not Available so they'd just stick a Watchtower in the mailbox instead of waiting on the doorstep for me to get home.

Then there's the Occupied mode. This would be good for work. People would say, "Oh! Looks like Shauna is occupied. In that case I will keep my stupid computer questions to myself and call the Help Desk instead!"

Do Not Disturb mode is a slightly stronger expression of the above. It's a floral way of saying, "Bugger off and let me wallow!"

Or if that didn't work, I can always go Offline. Yep, the red flower. I'm gone. I've just exiled myself entirely from the world for awhile.

But best of all would be Invisible mode. That little heiroglyphic looking eye would be such a blessing in real life. How wonderful would it be to be able to observe the world, watch people come and go, without them ever seeing you. You'd be a human fly on the wall. Imagine the possibilities! Stalk that guy you're lusting after with no risk of criminal charges. Rob a bank in stealth mode. Spy on your bonking flatmates and fulfil those voyeuristic fantasies without anyone ever knowing what a pervert you are.

Oh yes. Life would be a garden of roses if we could only say it with flowers.

Don't you hate those sappy email forwards with some hallmark-esque drivel about bunnies and flowers and how beauuuutiful life is? I received one of those recently from a friend, but he had done a bit of editing...

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE

Falling in love.
One night stand
Laughing so hard your face hurts.
A hot shower.
No lines at the supermarket.
Doing the check out girl on her break
A special glance.
Getting mail.
Watching that stupid movie with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks
Taking a drive on a pretty road.
Having a chauffeur do the driving for you.
Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
Not hearing Bloodhound Gang or the Thong Song on the radio
Hot towels out of the dryer.
Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
Chocolate milkshake.
Spilling that chocolate milkshake on that sweater
A long distance phone call.
That you receive, not make
A bubble bath.
Giggling.
A good conversation.
The beach.
And not that stupid movie with Leo DeFaggio
Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
Laughing at yourself.
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
Midnight phone sex that lasts for hours.
Running through sprinklers.
Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
Having someone tell you that you're beautiful when you're naked!
Laughing at an inside joke.
Friends.
Falling in love for the first time.
Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you when you're naked
Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
Your first kiss.
Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
Playing with a new puppy.
Kicking the neighbours new puppy
Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
Late night talks with your roommate that lead to sex.
Having someone play with your hair.
Poster of Kojak on your wall
Sweet dreams.
Wet dreams
Hot chocolate.
Sexual chocolate
Road trips with friends.
Friends who shut up after the first 3 hrs of the road trip
Swinging on swings.
Swinging with swingers
Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love.
Watching 9 1/2 Weeks cuddled up on a couch with someone you wanna bang
Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
Instructions on how to kill teen bands printed inside your new CD
Going to a really good concert.
Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person.
Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
Winning a really competitive game.
Talking trash after winning that game
Making chocolate chip cookies!
Spending time with close friends
Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends
Especially if you're blind!
Holding hands with someone you care about.
Running into an old friend and realizing tha somethings (good or bad) never change.
Like their body odour
Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.
And a pre-nup is strong too!
Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
Hugging the person you love.
Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.
"Crotchless panties, oh you shouldn't have"
Watching the sunrise.
Watching the naked chick in the room across from you get dressed.
Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.
Getting out of the clinic and thanking God that one night stand didn't leave a "souvenir".

"Perhaps renaming the body using Australian place names could be the next big thing... "Have you ever seen a Wagga Wagga as big as this?!""

"Wagga Wagga! You've heard of it?"

"You bet your sweet Katoomba I have!"

It snowed here in Canberra today! For five whole minutes!