Ask your local webmistress

Is there anyone reading this who has a technical kind of job amongst a bunch of non-technical people? I am the Webmistress *cracks whip* amongst a herd of buffoon public servants, and every time there is something vaguely icky about a machine, they come to me thinking that my web knowledge somehow extends to anything that goes bleep. It really shits me, because I really DO NOT BLOODY KNOW how to fix machines or whatnot. Don't they know I am not even really a web person, that I am just pretending? Just this week I have had asked of me:

Why is the printer smudging ink on my report?
Do you know how to do styles in Word?
How do you spell Adelaide?
Can you change my monitor around so it points up more?
How do I type a dollar sign on my Palm Pilot?
Hey Shauna, how come when I pulled this big chunk of plastic out of the printer, the printer won't go back together again?
What's another word for yours sincerely?
What's these red and green squiggles in my word document?
How do you refill the stapler?
Can you make me a diagram in Excel?
Can you fix my calculator?
Shauna Shauna Shauna! Why are my faxes coming out blank?
Can you show me how to make my mobile have those groovy songs when it rings?
Hey Shauna, are you a real webmistress? Then show me your whip and let's get busy!