Animated Feature

Harry's got a new girlfriend already, her name is Monty. We spent last Sunday constructing this wacky little fence so Harry couldn't escape, then came home Monday afternoon to find it completely destroyed. Monty had caught the good word that there was a new hot hound in the hood, and she'd been jumping over the fence all day to visit. Harry was all puffed and starry-eyed. I'm glad we got him desexed.

Friday afternoon I took Harry for a walk. We were just setting off when Mr and Mrs Smug Bastard emerged from their house with their perfect jogging outfits and their perfect dogs. They strolled with style up their perfect cobbled driveway, past the perfectly manicured garden with the perfect flowers sitting up straight and polite like kindergarten kids. I started to walk the other way when Mr Smug called out to me in the smuggest of tones.

"Hello, do you live in that house?"

Of course I bloody live in that house. How could they forget me smashing my car into their friend's car? It was less than a week before. "Yes I do live in that house."

He fixed his smug, patronising stare on me. "Did you know that black dog over there keeps coming over to see your dog?"

"Yes I know about that." Not only had Monty called in, the Smug Bastards dogs had been over too. Harry is a charismatic canine and very hard to resist.

"But do you realise she's been jumping over the fence? Running around in your yard?"

It didn't even occur to ask him how he knew about that, as he couldn't possibly see unless he'd right walked over to investigate. Or maybe he just sat around with a gigantic zoom lens, observing us a la Rear Window. Instead I just said, "Yes I know about that, and it's fine."

"But do you realise..." he asked with a dramatic pause, his lips curled with distaste, "Do you understand... that they have been getting... rather animated? If you know what I mean?"

There was many things I could have said to that nosy, smug, arrogant twat of a man:

"Animated, eh? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean?"

"Animated, eh? Well YOUR skanky hounds were over here last night and they seemed just as keen on Harry's hot ass."

"Animated, eh? Looks like he takes after his owner. Wink wink!"

"Animated, eh? You mean they were SHAGGING? You mean they were GETTIN' IT ONNNNN? You mean he was SINKING THE SAUSAGE LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW? Am I offending your religious sensibilities?"

"Animated, eh? Did they do it doggy style so they could both watch X-Files?"

But instead I could only mumble feebly, "Oh really? Cool!" before fleeing round the corner with my little tart of a dog.