South of the Border
Oh yes, I tried to put on my intellectual pants and read some quality novels during my Christmas break. I was doing quite well for awhile, relishing the big words and the subtle themes. Then the heat kicked in and the air conditioning died, consquently my brain turned to mush. I found myself in front of the flatmate's bookshelf, determined to lower my standards. Top shelf was her fantasy novels, which are no good to me because I tune out as soon as there's misty forests and pointy ears. Middle shelf was bodice ripping historical romances which I skipped, as I don't fancy his turgid steel entering her hot lava cave of lurve. So on to the bottom shelf, where chick lit reigns supreme. These books are a standard two inches thick and souffle light to read. The entire plot is revealed on the back cover blurb and there's always a Wacky Best Friend and the search for the perfect lipstick shade. Just made for a mindless summer read.
The flatmate is a fan of Marian Keyes, the undisputed chick lit queen, huge years before Bridget Jones arrived on the scene. I started with her first book Watermelon, a wonderful romp in which five minutes after giving birth, the chick's husband leaves her. So she whinges and bitches about her plight for 400 pages before finding new love. Page 363 stood out for some reason:
"I'll just tell you very quickly that I think cunnilingus is the most boring thing God ever created. I'd rather spend a day filing than endure a minute of it."
Hmm, I said to myself. Hmm.
But I thought nothing further of it until I was skimming my way through the second novel, Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married. The premise here is that Lucy Sullivan visits a psychic who predicts she will be married by the end of the year. So she spends the next 300 pages throwing herself at anything with a penis thinking he must be The One. Suddenly an apparently raunchy scene caught my eye, in which she described receiving downstairs attention as "about exciting as watching paint dry".
Hmm! I said to myself. The Hmm had an exclamation now! That's two books in a row in which she makes a point of giving her characters a distinct disliking for this particular activity. It didn't take a Masters in literature to see there was a theme developing in these fine, fine works of art! Oh yes! Scholars of the world! Put away your Dostoevskys, analyse this!
Of course, after that I had to go on and read her next novel, Last Chance Saloon, to see if this trend continued! I stomped my way through another 400 pages and discovered that it did not. I even scanned back through the whole thing to see if I'd missed it! But I hadn't. I felt strangely cheated.
Then the flatmate came home with Sushi For Beginners, Ms Keyes' latest. It sat on the shelf for a few days untouched before I could finally blurted, "Are you going to read that?"
Ms Keye's writing has got better and better over the years, and she is brilliant at what she does, and deserves her success. I don't want to sound bitchy. Sushi was a good holiday read. I lounged on the lounge with my bowl of ice cream, reading away quite nicely when suddenly my spoon clattered to the floor.
"HMMM!" I said. Capital letters AND exclamation mark this time.
I burst into my flatmates room and announced to her and the boyfriend snoozing on the bed, "Well! I have the evidence!"
"What?"
"Page 262! She's at it again! For the third time!"
"Who?"
"Marian bloody Keyes!" I cleared my throat and read. "This was the point at which Dylan usually like to shimmy down her body and administer cunnil-"
"Oh, not again?"
"It was so boring and simply added several wasted minutes to the whole procedure." I snapped the book shut and planted hands on hips triumphantly. "HA! See?"
"Indeed."
"Well that's all I had to say. Carry on!"
Writing a novel is good opportunity to tell the world what you really think about things via your characters, but this is getting ridiculous. Perhaps I will churn out a bunch of blockbusters and at some point every character will say, Last night I dreamed of running over the members of Creed with a very large truck or Hairy backs - why god why?, and I'll owe it all to the Marian Keyes School of Subtlety.
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wnp
skulking elsewhere
shauna reid my book?
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FIRST COMMENT! Yuk, yuk, yuk.
But novelist's bees in bonnets, yes.
mwahhaah graham :P
i just think she must not have ever had it administered properly.
What DOES Ms Keyes like, then? a cucumber up the arse?
Hmm - so now I had better ask before I perform this some ? I can see a backlash of anti-Keyes sentiment over this...
Well I like her books as well... I bought lucy sullivan and watermelon in a bumper edition :) and I've read last chance saloon, not quite on Postcards in Bed and Sushi yet... a friend has them :)
I've never had any complaints! Now I'm coming over all insecure(ooh-er). But who could NOT like oral sex?! Its inconceivable!! Thats it, I have to go home, lock myself in and sit down to re-examine my sexual mores.
I don't supposed you managed to discern what she thinks about the use of snow peas in a stirfry, did you?
Hmmm. HMMM!
Pauly - don't be insecure. Every other chick digs it :P
Row - is your site down? it won't work for me.
You have the makings of a truly fine literary scholar. It's attention to details like this that make reading high-level scholarship interesting.
Yes, you've got skills, baby!
attention to detail. now that's what the chickies like.
mwahahha.
if this attention to detail is what the chickies like, then why are they gobbling up these literary pieces despite such glaring innaccuracies?
Whoever says that just aint had it right. Head is like pizza. Even if you're not hungry, you can always have pizza, and even if you have bad pizza, it's still pizza, and therefore still good. Unless it's from Eagle Boys. I think there's something in that for all of us, dont you?
My personal irony is that I was listening to Creed at the exact moment that I read your proposed novel theme. I think it must mean something.
oooh the things i could say about this topic *grin*
but there are women out there who don't like it (i am definitley not included in this group... *cheeky grin*)
i know one for example who yells and screams if anyone takes their chin anywhere near her cave...
but then we can take it the other way too... i know guys who don't like it when a girly heads down south for a lick.
i guess it all comes down to personal preference... but hey when you aren't getting any... ANYTHING REMOTELY SEXUAL will do just nicely :P
Hmmm indeedy!
How could you not like it? I mean, I've never had it (being a guy and all, we get something different) but the if the experience of giving is anything to go by, then by golly, that gal is missin' out on somethin' good!
Oh, and judging by the response you've gotten so far, you could start up a new banner *cheeky grin*
AUTHOR: Scott
EMAIL: redeye@wmis.net
IP:
URL: http://www.thereisnoarizona.org/blog
DATE: 01/15/2002 09:43:04 PM
I've no room to speak on the subject. I've never been subtle and I've never had, um, pizza.
While she's being un-subtle, perhaps she could just casually drop in something like a "Sexual Shopping List" into one of her books. I'm betting that her current shag, whoever it is, would greatly appreciate such forthrightness. Such carping sounds like the work of someone who doesn't speak up much for herself in mundane life, but lays it all out in her writing...
No, I wouldn't know a single thing about that, no, never. Whatever do you mean by that? *laugh*
Nice to see your keeping yourself busy, Shauny.
Did someone say CUCUMBER?
I'd go for the hairy backs one, personally. I shudder at the thought.
Oral sex & pizza. Now, there's an interesting analogy if I've ever heard one. I once accidentally bought a book that had too much "graphic detail" for me about the whole cunnilingus scene. "His tongue darted softly around my..." You get the jist. Can get a bit much for us queers, y'see.
yes, that would be me that said CUCUMBER. Though I imagine they'd break before you got any use out of them.
Pizza!
I thought I would have been the one to say cucumber, according to you anyway.
My site is screwy. MT eats it periodically. I dunno what to doooooooo! *sob*
And I could tell you something about cunnilingus, although it's a bit personal. I'll just give you a tip...never look at your watch, or you'll never get it again.
I've reached the conclusion that Ms Keyes was either (a) born without a clitoris, or (b) was a victim of female circumcision. Whaddya reckon?
Row...explain..tell me more!
What do you mean don't look at your watch? Were you timing them or something?
I just read Watermelon and thought of you and this entry. Aww.
OI!
Am I the only one who's got it figured out?!
*She* is a man!
Cunnilingus boring!
HAH!
I am myself a desultory fan of Marian keyes, as i spend a lot of times on planes and they sell her books almost exclusively at airport bookstores. if u want some QUALITY chick lit tho, check out Jennifer Crusie. And yes.....must be a man. cos that shit's just wrong.