far out, shauners, but i think your beautiful words would be much better than any that speechwriters.com could offer! egad! x

hee hee stupid internet.

"Order our Ready-to-Go, eulogies for a grandfather from an young grandchild. The eulogies are pre-written i.e. they will be emailed to you, automatically, within 60 seconds of our receiving your order. You will receive a selection of short, alternative eulogies. You may use one eulogy or mix-and-match them selecting the pieces that best describe the person about whom you are speaking. Suitable for use in a church, funeral home/parlor, crematorium or graveside."

Ready to Go! Mix and Match! Do it! How could 'an young grandchild' pass up such an offer?!

"...but what I'm really looking for, Mr. Harris, is consoling words, uplifting things -- I mean, when you send out as many C.V.s as me, it's a bit of a racket, isn't it? You're ready to beat your head repeatedly into the desk. None of them recognize how overqualified you are, despite the Kierkagaard quotes. A philosopher with that many vowels in his name is bound to cause some attention. At least that's what you'd hope a barely educated man would notice.

"No, Harris, in my line of business -- if it can be called that -- you get bored. Sometimes flustered, never entirely cogent. So you stare directly into the sun, wondering if you have the guts to burn out your corneas. Before you know it, your nerves -- no, not the optic one, the ones sending those messages of 'Ouch, my ring finger is bleeding!' to your brain, silly! -- they're causing your head to shift away. And you realize what a silly thing this sun-staring hobby is. But it's something to do while you're waiting for the phone to ring.

"No, sir, I'm not looking for rigmarole, although a little of that is nice. Morale on the other hand -- a tenuous little beast that, if terribly negative, sinks you into the morass. That's the stuff I'd pay for in an instant. Yes, that's right.

"Yes, I'm willing to pay for it once I actually GET the job. Well, of course I can do the job. Just about anyone can. On Mondays, just call me Marilyn Chambers. You say you can guarantee dancing hamsters on the Internet for me? Not exactly my line, but I'll send you a JPEG of me dressed in panties and a teddy. Is THAT the kind of currency you'd accept?

"You're a sick man, Mr. Harris. But if that's what it takes to get some warm fuzzies, I'll keep your fuzzy thing warm anyday of the week. With an economy this bad, a return to the barter system is inevitable. No wonder eBay is keen to gobble up PayPal."

No, Shauny! BAD Shauny!

Okay, let's all wonder aloud again why the written capacity of today's 13-and-under set is "u are far outt why don we hang outt + go 4 piza sumtiem whut do u think?"

Great link, Shauny.

crikey, ed.

apparently in some countries you can actually divorce someone by sending him or her an email ... bah.

There is something inherently wrong with our world for people to sell things like that.

Would someone like to buy my old underwear? Yeah.

oh my goodness. people scare me.

Graham: The bid's at 49 cents on eBay. Perhaps there's lucre in anonymous undergarments after all.

This is bad. Now i MUST KNOW what's in this ready-made grandchild eulogy...

Someone buy it and email it all around.

I was also intrigued by the Christening Poems (set of 6) that were written to compliment the Christening Speeches (of course), but you could use them on their own as well.

am interested in christening poems where did you see them