Healthy Living
Some time ago, UK supermarkets and other food retailers recognised that not all Brits were content to live on chips and lager alone. To cater to this sliver of society, they each introduced a house brand of healthier options. Now discerning customers can buy their favourite foods from their most trusted brands, safe in the knowledge that evil fats have been replaced by friendly sugars, artificial flavourings or ground cockroaches. And to make these product ranges even more appealing, they gave them wacky names...
ASDA ‘Good For You!’
It’s the exclamation mark that puts the delightfully sneering tone into this brand. Imagine your neighbour has just leaned over the fence to tell you he won £10 million in the Lotto. Of course you will spit right back, “Well, good for YOU!”
Safeway ‘Eat Smart’
The alternative is to Eat Stupid and pour lard on your cornflakes.
Boots ‘Shapers’
Dear Boots,
I am writing in regards to your ‘Shapers’ range of products. To me the word ‘Shapers’ suggests transformation or sculpting, like control-top pantyhose, corsets or mumsy foundation garments. With this definition in mind, I recently purchased one of your pre-packaged Shapers sandwiches. When I applied said sandwich to my thunderous thighs, I noticed no real difference in their shape, apart from a slight thickening due to congealed mayonnaise. Could you kindly refund me the £2.19 and deduct 2.19 points from my Boots Advantage Card?
Sainsbury's ‘Be Good To Yourself’
‘ ... Go Buy A Vibrator’.
Tesco ‘Healthy Living’
If they can’t be arsed to give it a more imaginative name, then I can’t be arsed to buy it.
Marks & Spencer ‘Count On Us’
Dear Mr. Marks & Mr. Spencer,
I have been an enthusiastic consumer of your Count On Us range of products, including the Voluptous Vanilla Iced Dessert and the Rancher's Chicken Flatbread. After awhile, one comes to think of Count On Us as a name one can trust. However, recently I found myself having a very bad day indeed; I missed the bus and my boss yelled at me. I was disheartened to discover that I could not count on Count On Us in my time of need. Why didn’t the Chargrilled Vegetable Pizza call me a taxi so I wasn’t late? Why didn't a gang of Thai Curry Flavour Curls come round and beat up my boss? If you are going to name your products so boldly, there needs to be some sort of warning label on the packet, Not Suitable For Those With Co-Dependent Tendencies. Otherwise I suggest you rename it to something like We Won’t Be There For You At All.
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Excellent, haven't laughed so much in ages!
Gold, baby, GOLD!
Brilliant.
Speaking of crap packaging, today a friend rang me to describe the tub of American 'Snack Pack' style pudding he was eating: apparently, the tagline on the packet read, 'Tastes like somebody loves you!'
As my friend pointed out, this is awful not only because it suggests that the feeling of being loved is something you can buy at the supermarket, but because it also implies that in fact, nobody does love you. I wish I'd been in the brainstorming session in the ad execs' boardroom that day. Heads would have rolled.
True, so true. Have you also noticed that supermarkets now have 'luxury' ranges, called things like 'the best' as if you'd think anthing in tesco's was actually posh in the first place. Happilly, I shop at Kwik Save who make no attempt to deny they are selling offal and shit to pensioners and the dole-classes.
Dear Ms Shauny
Thank you for your guide to avoiding bog-average-yet-tarted-up UK foodstuffs.
As a recent arrival from "the colonies" myself, I am sure this information will prove invaluable.
Unfortunately, I am not now sure that there are any pre-packed foodstuffs safe for me to eat.
You may have reduced me to dining on British university college food for the rest of my UK experience, with the obvious attendant perils ...
Yours etc
brilliant! especially the boots one, definitely the boots one.
we are just as bad with our choices here in the states. remember chips made with "olestra?"
the warning label on the packs read "may cause anal leakage."
yep. nothing says healthy to me like a good anal leakage.
taste like somebody loves you... that would taste like heaven. hehe.
oh yeah jimbo, i remember when oprah said on the show how excited she was about the olestra chips, i wondered if she was leaking all over town...
how come everyone else is so quiet? man, i slaved over this entry and really thought it turned out okay. i have better lucky when someone dies or if i fall over! mwahhaa.
Alas. Food never seems to live up to its promises. Where is the 'heart clogging but deeply satisfying' food?
I used to shop at ADSA when I went on my working holiday in 88/89 (showing my age). (Fellow Aussie here BTW!). Do they still charge you for plastic bags?
I lurve english supermarkets. Buying those huge cans of lager with different labels that all come out of the same vat.... paying the equivalent of $12 for a pre-packaged, service station grade sandwich and THEN finding out 43 of your cousins work on the registers of 12 different Tescoes cos your uncle is a regional manager....
Ah, Boots sandwiches. Can I point out that the sausage one on baked bean bread is possibly manna from greasy heaven? Particularly odd, given that I hate baked beans. But nonetheless, when you can't get a Pret-a-manger Breakfast sanger, it's the best thing in the world.
Though maybe the preceding evening full of Guinness was probably to blame for said sandwich deification.
Oooh, so it tastes like crap does it, Shauny gal? That's the worst thing about pre-packaged, in spite of the entire concept of pre-packaged being the best thing. The taste.
The packaged California rolls from the city Coles Express (lasting a few days, not the usual one day) just have 'salmonella' written all over them.
Good to laugh again before school cracks the whip. Thanks
Good laugh, thanks!
Couple of words for whoever is responsible for Tesco Healthy Living Packaging.... 4 servings my arse!!!