You Get Monkeys
The Mothership carted a video tape all the way from Oz so I could see my website on the telly for 0.0001 nanoseconds. Apparently a show called Mondo Thingo did a story on weblogs and flashed a whole bunch on the screen in quick succession. I haven't watched it yet, but it's proudly displayed on the shelf, labelled SHAUNA'S MONDO THINGO in Mum's infamous teacher writing.
This wasn't my first television appearance. My debut was in a 1985 commerical for a local caravan park. The owner of said park wanted a spot on the box to let the world know he not only sold caravans, but also had a merry-go-round and ponies and all sorts of super happy fun things for kiddies.
So he approached his local casting agency, ie. the primary school down the road. Our teacher was more than happy to provide the talent. The audition process was exhaustive:
TEACHER: Kids, would you like to be on telly today?
KIDS: Will we get out of maths?
TEACHERS: Yes.
KIDS: YAAAYYY!
There was cutthroat competition for the lead roles. The merry-go-round turned out to be quite small; it only had five horses and didn't move until you inserted 20 cents. Only the finest actors got a ride. They waved madly to the cameras and went round and round til the money ran out.
Next the owner arrived, dressed up as a magician. He was a leery guy at the best of times, so in top hat and black cloak he was Willy Wonka meets sleazy vampire. We were directed to gather at his feet and prepare to look delighted by his magic tricks. I never understood why he was a magician. Who writes these scripts? Perhaps his prices were magic or he planned to pull a trailer out of his arse.
Trick #1. Rabbit out of the hat.
"Oooooooooh!" We kiddies squealed on cue, even though it was just a stuffed toy.
Trick #2. Fake flower pops out from end of magic wand.
"Oooooooooh!"
Frankly, the magic tricks were rubbish; it was a real stretch for our acting ability. We started to fidget.
The owner grimaced beneath his pancake makeup and reached into the folds of his cloak. This better be good, I thought, or I'm going back to school to do my spelling test.
He pulled out a can of peanuts.
Oh boy! I sat bolt upright. We're gonna get peanuts! We star in his commercial, he pays us peanuts!
You could pinpoint that moment as the start of my lifelong obsession with food. I stared at the can, eyes wide, tongue flapping wildly like a fish out of water. The can was bright yellow and said ROASTED PEANUTS in a fat red font. I'd never seen nuts in a can before but I was open to new culinary experiences. Mum never let us have peanuts. Today I would have peanuts and there was nothing she could do. I longed for the sting of salt on my lips, the greasy aftertaste, all those little bits that get stuck in your molars.
He waved his magic wand over the jar. The kids leaned forward.
Come on come on, you bastard, gimme a peanut!
He flashed a sinister smile into the camera then ripped open the lid.
POP!
A dozen paper snakes sprang out, streamers streamed, red blue green yellow confetti spewed all over us.
"Oooooooooh!" went the kiddies, minus one pissed off redhaired brat.
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wnp
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"Willy Wonka meets sleazy vampire".
Genius.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!
Ahh, champagne blogging as usual.
For some reason though the title to the post makes me suspect there must have been dialogue along the lines of:
"Got monkeys?"
"Yup, we got monkeys."
Prob'bly just me, tho.
It usually is.
if you pay peanuts you get...
but i wouldn't have been surprised if he had monkeys. perhaps he would have pulled some out of his arse.
Mondo Thingo is a great show! Congratulations!
Ah yes, the delightful Amanda Keller on Mondo Thingo. I do remember that episode, and seeing WNP flash up and getting excited with the "Hey! I read that one!" The same sort of excitement you get when you understand an obscure pop culture reference on Seinfeld, or the Simpsons, or Gilmore Girls...
Mondo Thingo is very funny - lots of random stuff, cheat notes on whatever director/actor/writer that is being widely publicised, and also crap new products on the market. Once they showed a site where you can send a message to loved ones in the afterlife. At a certain cost per word, you could submit a message to this website, then they promised to give it to a terminally ill person who would memorise it so they could tell your loved one. Naturally there was a disclaimer as to whether the message would actually reach the loved one. Good to know that even the insane are aware of their legal responsibilities...
Oh yes, and Amanda also showed a new exercise tape where Carmen Electra teaches the viewer how to get a good work out by giving someone a lap dance! Very useful to know!!!
Hi-frigging-larious. Reminds me of the time my (and about 50 other) Primary school was invited to a taping of 'Mr Squiggle'. Boy, the compettion for getting your squiggle on TV was fierce. I still say mine was too abstract for the plebs...
Please tell me there was someone in your class for whom that was the springboard to being an extra in 'Home And Away'?
Yeah, typical, the week I don't watch it and they run the blog story. So I've still no idea if I was on it, but anyway.
bah
Do you know how many readers you have? I'd love to know...
Do you get nervous ever about being a famous weblog writer? Do you worry about stalkers? (No, I'm not offering, just wondering)
Yes, that's why she went to Scotland. To get away from her crazy, obsessed fans.
And your mum was sensible - you might've breathed in those peanuts!!! But oohing and a crap magician on TV is gold!
I was on TV once. Jumping on a giant inflatable donut at the pool for the local news. As soon as the cameras rolled, I waved my arms around making peace symbols and shouting "groovy", hip 11 year old I was. 1986 was a totally groovy year in the Mildura annals, of course.
Actually, your faux roasted peanuts story reminds me of another ruse. Ronald McDonald once visited our town, and did this strange caberet act at the local McDonalds for us kids. At the beginning, he said there'd be a free shake for every kid there. I was sitting there, thinking a vanilla shake would do very nicely. Then, when it got to the end, the bastard just shook his arms and legs and said "There's your free shake everyone!" What a prick! I never trusted Ronald after that.
Sorry, getting a bit ranty ravy!! It's just you reminded me ...
ahh mo :)
denny - i really don't think this infrequently updated waffle could inspire any sort of stalker. and it's not really fame don't you think, i mean there's a bazillion blogs out there and i am just one of em and people stop by and maybe think for the 20 seconds it takes to read an entry "heh heh, funny" then move on to the next blog.
graham - noooo, i moved in the hope of satisfying a kilt fetish. hasn't happened yet though. hehe.