Not Just For Christmas

For Christmas, Gareth gave me (among other things)... a dog!

Well. Technically, Kenco is not my dog. He lives in England. He belongs to the Dogs Trust. I am but his humble sponsor. But my £1.50 a week gives him food, chew toys and an old couch to sleep on. And I can get the train to Darlington and visit him any time, and even take him for a walk. He also sends me newsletters, just like those starving kids in Ethiopia.

Gareth said he chose Kenco as he was looking for the dog with the stupidest face to make me laugh. Sure enough I fell for the blank expression and slightly manic eyes. He reminded me of Harry, my former mad wee dog who provided years of Blogging Gold until he was snatched away in the Evil Landlord Saga of 2002.

I'd been pining for a furry friend since our trip back to Australia. I'd dropped by Harry's house, hoping he'd greet me at the fence with his usual acrobatics. But that's the problem when you piss off overseas then swan back a few years later, expecting your old life to be frozen in time. It isn't. Harry's house was long abandoned, the gardens overgrown and mailbox choked with catalogues. But still, I stood there in the driveway bleating pathetically, "Harry? Harry?", as the chilly September rain hammered down.

It was so tragic and romantic. Just like the end of Breakfast At Tiffany's! Except Canberra instead of New York. And Trackysuit Shauny instead of Givenchy Hepburn. And mutt dog instead of ginger cat. And Gareth and Jenny waiting in a Nissan Pulsar instead of George Peppard waiting in a yellow taxi. ALRIGHT. Not like Breakfast at Tiffany's at all. But my old dog and his new owner were gone and I had no way of finding out their fate. It was a dud finale to my wacky years of pet ownership.

So when Gareth presented me with Kenco on Christmas Day I was ecstatic and teary. He'd been a little worried I'd think it was a dorky gift and that perhaps he should have just got the perfume and Thornton's chocolates from UnimaginativeHusband.com, but I thought it was the sweetest thing ever. Owning a real dog just isn't an option when you live in a poky wee flat, so sponsoring an unfortunate English mutt was a brilliant substitute.

I carted Kenco's photo to all our Christmas gatherings and showed him off proudly. People seemed rather bemused and bewildered by Gareth's choice of gift, just as they were when he gleefully told them I'd given him (among other things) a copy of Don't Pee On My Leg And Tell Me It's Raining by Judge Judy. It was the first time I ever felt like the dreaded Smug Married (okay, Highly Defensive Married) because what seemed stupid to everyone else just made perfect bloody sense to us.

Later on Christmas Night I was browsing the Dogs Trust website and was surprised to see that My Kenco was still listed as an Available Dog. In fact, it was just the same dozen or so hounds in the gallery for everyone in the whole of Britain to choose from.

"I just realised," I announced to Gareth, "That I don't have exclusive rights to Kenco!"

"Well yes. Each dog really needs more than one more than one sponsor. It costs £9 per month for their food alone. So the sponsorship money goes towards all the dogs at the shelter. You didn't realise?"

"I'm like a part owner of a racehorse."

"Has that taken the gloss off the gift a little?"

"Oh no! Not really." I sniffed. "I'm sure that if he were to meet all his sponsors, he would love me the best."

There are many advantages of having a virtual dog. Unlike Harry, Kenco doesn't shed hair, howl at the moon, or pee on the couch when he gets nervous. And even though he's not a physical presence you can still use him as a scapegoat after hearty Christmas dinners.

"Jeeeeesus... did you fart?"

"Nooo!"

"Well somebody did."

"It was that bloody Kenco."

"KENCO! You dirty bastard."

"Get back in your basket!"

December 30, 2005 | Permalink | Posted in Doctor G | Comments (24)

Comments

1 · Monkey said:

Aww what a nice gifty! Maybe next year you can sponsor an african kid to pat wee Kenny? Two birds with one donation, etc.?

December 31, 2005 2:55 AM

2 · Vicky said:

Brillant gift!! I'm loving Kenco. He looks a lot like my boy Wrigley. I went to the site to check this canine support system out. Looks great. I may co-sponsor a pooch as well. I get K-Co on the weekends though...

December 31, 2005 12:41 PM

3 · shauny said:

well as long as i get him on xmas and birthdays, vicky :)

where is everyone? happy new year, troops!

January 1, 2006 4:57 PM

4 · DFH said:

Hi, Shauna!
Happy New Year!

Kenco looks very sweet and I'm sure that, as you say, he loves you most of all of his sponsors :-)

The Hel Looks thing is great. Makes me want to head out onto the street of boston with my camera.

All the best,
DFH

January 1, 2006 5:07 PM

5 · nina said:

Have a happy new year! :)

xoxo

January 1, 2006 8:03 PM

6 · Nicola said:

Shauna, everyone (at least those of us in Sydney town) has been in the pool! Yesterday was apparently the hottest Sydney day on record - 45 degrees and absolutely stinkin'. Staying partially submerged, except for head out of water to sip cocktails from straw, was only way to remain sane in the heat.

January 2, 2006 2:25 AM

7 · Spike said:

Nicola said: the hottest Sydney day on record - 45 degrees

You mean 45 fucking degrees. I bloody near melted up here in Woy Woy.

January 2, 2006 7:53 AM

8 · Glenn said:

I wonder if "Kenco" is named after Kenko -- the Chinese sage who wrote the classic, "Essays In idleness"?

January 2, 2006 9:24 AM

9 · Leela said:

Hi there Shauna, thought I would just let you know how much I am enjoying your writing.

Phoenix bought me a Penguin as a new year’s gift. Sadly I will probably never meet the Penguin as it will be released to the wild but at least Bubbles will be alllll mine as the donation paid for his/her full rehabilitation.

Glad to see your hubby is as quirky as mine, though I wonder what people with think when I haul out a pic of a penguin and try to explain that well he/she is out there somewhere?????

January 2, 2006 10:31 AM

10 · Rosemary Grace said:

That's so perfect, what a thoughtful gift. Filling the dog-sized hole in your heart without inflicting actual dog ownership on your little flat!

Have you considered a cat? They're much better apartment pets, and can be just as crazy and loving. One of my two beasties is currently curled up in my lap with her head resting on her back feet. She's had a hard morning running in circles and leaping up door frames.

Happy 2006 to you two!

January 2, 2006 7:22 PM

11 · ladymisstree said:

Awwwww! A virtual puppy for Christmas. Gareth is a bloody genius!

Hope it was a happy and merry one!

January 4, 2006 9:43 AM

12 · KDunk said:

what a great gift!

January 4, 2006 3:10 PM

13 · witold riedel said:

someone you know also got a tiny share of Kenco. (It is a much smaller share of the one you got, so it in no way lessens your gift, okay?) The person will also never be able to actually walk him... so now you should be able to walk him more? Is that the idea?
: )

I sponsored a whale a few years ago and all I got for it was a very old photograph of the fin. Kenco is real.
What a fantastic gift to all of us really.

January 4, 2006 11:44 PM

14 · ab said:

I got half a dozen chooks and I never saw a photo of bloody one of them. Oh and it's raining in Sydney today.

January 5, 2006 9:24 AM

15 · Kirsten said:

That's so ace! (I got some funny looks when I let it slip that my own dear one had given me The Gift of Socks, too. But it made sense to us.)

I hope you do get to take Kenco for a walk sometime. Do you think there's a cat version of this?

January 5, 2006 11:42 AM

16 · bobby said:

awww.. he should have got you a shauny AIBO ....

http://www.eu.aibo.com

only £1445

but if you connect him to your computer he "can read out your favourite weblogs" !! how cool is that!

happy new year

ps.... it won't p on your couch either

January 5, 2006 3:08 PM

17 · Gunnella said:

What an excellent gift :-D
Happy New YEar!

January 5, 2006 9:34 PM

18 · Natasha said:

We sponsor a dog called Rex through the Trust. The husband chose a labrador that we could take for walkies when he signed up (might be a bleeding heart, but might have something to do with them sending hot chicks to seek sponsors!), but alas Rex is an unidentifiable mutt that we're not allowed to visit! Oh well, all energy will have to be put into our live-in dog.

January 6, 2006 1:07 PM

19 · Paul said:

Aww, that's a really cute gift.

My english teacher a couple of weeks ago was talking about getting the class to bring in 50p every month so we could all sponsor an animal. Seemed a bit pointless, though whatever floats our creative juices is a good thing, i suppose.

January 7, 2006 3:48 AM

20 · Dy said:

Lurve the virtual dog - and the fact that you have a man both thoughtful and and original enough to think of it.

Was the Judge Judy book any good?

January 8, 2006 7:29 PM

21 · mike said:

I want a Kenco!!!!! He's so freaking cute.

January 10, 2006 4:35 AM

22 · nessajane said:

Thanks for the wee giggle poppet.

BTW - you're sounding more and more like a Scotsman every day. ( What do they call Scottish women?)

January 10, 2006 5:39 AM