Earth-shattering events of 2007 thus far:

1. Chopped off my left thumbnail while wrestling with this stupid pumpkin. I knew a serrated breadknife wasn't the right tool for the job but persisted regardless
2. Broke a mirror
3. Fell asleep pants doon on the toilet after a big night out
4. Was violently ill for three days straight

The last one happened because I was trying to stick to my twin New Years Resolutions of Saving Money and Keeping In Touch With Friends. I was in the post office in the first week of January sending a whole bunch of cards to Folks Back Home. I was straddling the space between old bad habits and fresh resolve:

1. Wedding Card for wedding a month earlier
2. 2 x Baby Cards for babes born in November
3. Birthday Card for a birthday the next day
4. Anniversary card for February

So I was writing on my cards there in the post office and feeling good about the ones that weren't late and also because I'd bought a roll of Christmas wrapping paper on sale for £1. The Mothership used to buy all her cards and paper in the January sales and I felt proud to be following in her footsteps, rather than disturbed.

When I joined the queue there was two Australian girls in front of me. They were about ten years old and holding postcards. Australians are always running amok in Edinburgh but you rarely see them out here. It's like seeing a tiger in the supermarket or a nun in a strip joint. A truly novel occurrence.

"HELLO CANNOIVE SOME STAMPS FOR SENDING THESE TO ASTRAYA PLOISE?" Girl 1 bellowed to the cashier.

That melted my heart and made me all the happier for my renewed attempts to keep in contact with the Motherland. I floated smugly all the way home and it wasn't til I got to the front door that I realised I'd left my bargain wrapping paper in the post office. Oooh I was cranky. But far too lazy to walk back all that way for a pound.

So I started making my lunch, which was poached egg and a salad as I recall. Something thrifty befitting my resolution. I was still fuming about the wrapping paper as I took the egg out of the carton. I noticed it had a dent in the top, you could even say it was somewhat... pre cracked. Somewhere in the back of my mind a wee voice said, You're not supposed to eat broken eggs, dickhead but I said to the voice, "I can't throw it away! I'm trying to save money!".

I ended up spending the last three days of my holidays kneeling before the toilet and Ctrl-Zedding every meal, which proved far more costly that that one little egg. I'll try harder next month.

Top Five Names For Telly Programmes In 2006

5.  The Seven-Year Old Surgeon (Five)

4.  The Spa of Embarrassing Illnesses (UKTV Style)

3.  Bus Pass Boob Jobs (Channel 4)

2.  The Man Whose Arms Exploded (Five)

1.  Careless Whiskers: The Unseen George Michael (Five)

The longer I'm away from Australia the more obsessed I become with sport. I guess it's a sad little way to feel closer to home.

Top Three Sporting Spectacles of 2006

3.  Commonwealth Games, March
For that one glorious day when Scotland topped the medal tally, for the hilarious lawn bowls commentary, and just for two wistful weeks watching beautiful Melbourne on the telly.

2.  World Cup, June/July
The highs! The lows! The weeks on the couch with barely a pause to bathe! I'll never forget the joy of Australia v Croatia or the devastating kick in the guts that was Australia v Italy. And I will just gloss over that whole headbutting palaver and remember the most important lesson to be learned from the World Cup - that Zinedine Zidane looks much better without hair.

L: Non.   R: Oui!

1.  MotoGP, The Entire 2006 Season
The day before the first race of the year started I almost wrote an entry BEGGING somebody, anybody; to tune in and give this sport a go in 2006. Share my joy, you bastards. But I didn't, and World Champ Valentino Rossi crashed out on the first turn, kicking off the most spectacular, unpredictable, tense, action-packed season in history.

From the nailbiting finish at Mugello to Dani Pedrosa "taking out" his own teammate at the penultimate race, to Rossi's devastating crash right in front of our stand at Valencia, there were many moments when I almost wept at being so bloody fortunate to witness the sheer brilliance of it all! Luckily Gareth bought me the Season Highlights DVD so I can relive it over and over like a sad git.

And Mothership, I apologise for being a little distant when you first arrived on my doorstep back in July; but it was right in the middle of a very exciting British GP.

Most Unspectacular Sporting Spectacle of 2006(07)

The Ashes
As I write this, I'm watching the English tail being killed off in the final test match. Or to be more accurate, I'm watching the radio coverage on the digital telly, which means just voices and a scoreboard. If you want moving pictures with your cricket over here you have to pay for Sky cable. Damn you, Rupert Murdoch! But the BBC's radio commentary and nightly TV highlights were great, and their ball-by-ball live blogging action is always hilarious.

79 sleeps until the 2007 MotoGP season starts.

3.   Pull My Finger (timeless classic)
2.   I Give You The Gift Of Fragrance
1.   For Your Consideration